We did learn about sex together and mostly on our own. Our parents were no help at all, in fact they were a hindrance, and school offered very little. No health or sex education until we were seniors, way too late. Our elders didn't want us to learn the wrong things, but without anyone teaching us the right things what did they expect us to learn. Their logic still amazes me. If the result had not been so tragic, I would laugh. The difference between then and now is no one talked openly about the results, now you hear about it all the time.
    Barb was exposed first, she could hardly wait until we were back in the loft so she could tell us what she'd heard and seen. We were ten and at that age we went to the Saturday afternoon movies if we had enough money, a nickel was a lot of money. As we were leaving, Barb went to the ladies room. When she came out she had an odd look on her face. She kept trying to get us to hurry home. She ran ahead of us, "Come on, hurry up. I've something to tell you. I want to know if you know what it means."
    We increased our pace. As soon as we were in the loft, "While I was in a stall, I could hear two girls talking. One was in the stall next to me and the other was standing by the sink, she said to her friend, 'Beth, let me wear your sweater.'
    'I don't want to, I'm cold.' She flushed the toilet and left the stall.
    'You have to. Look what my stupid boyfriend did. The jerk didn't wash his hands. I can't leave without covering my blouse.' I flushed the toilet, but didn't leave, I looked out the crack between the door and the wall. She turned to her friend. 'Oh, my God. You sure can't.' She took off her sweater and handed it to her. As she put it on I could see smudge marks on her white blouse all around her breasts. The smudge marks weren't very dark, but they could be seen. As they left, she said, 'That's the last time I'll meet him at the movies.' What do you make of it?"
    Bob and I looked at each other and said, "I'll be damned if I know." Bob continued, "Most of the boys I know wouldn't go with a girl, let alone touch her breasts."
    "Let's ask our parents when we get a chance."
    "Good idea." Our parents stopped us the minute we mentioned toilet and said, "You shouldn't discuss what you see and hear in a rest room." They wouldn't let us ask any other questions and their manner indicated the subject was closed.
    We did learn a little at school. The girls were thirteen and their boyfriends were fifteen and sixteen. The girls weren't allowed to date so they sat in prearranged seats at the movie and their boyfriends joined them after the lights were turned off. We didn't learn much more because we didn't understand the words.
    About a year later, Bob complained within Grandmother's hearing, "Everyone is watching me all the time. If not my mom and dad, then my aunt and uncle."
    "If you didn't do things that attract attention, no one would notice you." This was the second of several statements that changed our lives.
    "Like fighting?" She never answered or looked up from her knitting and she wasn't going to say any more. We left for the loft. We debated, "Is it true?" "How can be test it?" Bob came through, "Bill, borrow one of your sister's brassieres and next time we go to the movies, we'll test it." Bob wore it over his shirt. Barb walked backwards about thirty steps in front of him and watched the people coming from behind him and I followed the same distance behind him and watched the people coming toward him. We wrote down how many people passed in the direction we were looking and their reaction. We compared notes when we returned to the loft.
    We were amazed, only a few people noticed. A few more noticed only after someone else directed their attention to him. The ticket lady didn't even notice when Bob bought his ticket. We couldn't wait to try another experiment. We went to the park with our ground cloth, sat directly in front of two women sitting on bench, and began to read. One said to the other, "Did you hear about Lou Ann. She told her mother, 'All we do is hold hands.' Well they had to do more than hold hands. Some people say she has a tumor, I say she has a nine month tumor."
    "Sh, little pitchers have big handles." We read for a few more minutes, "It's too hot here in the sun, let's move into the shade." We moved under a tree off to one side of the bench and before we had our ground cloth down the two women began to talk. We heard all about Lou Ann's sad plight. As the women left the park, one said, "I've some old quilts, in pretty bad shape, do you know of anyone who would want them?"
    "No, I don't." Bob asked his aunt to inquire about the quilts. She asked a friend. The front of the quilts were beyond repair. We were surprised to find an old wool blanket inside each quilt. The backs were usable. We hemmed the edges and we each had a blanket and a sheet for camping. We stored them in the loft on top of the ground cloth making the floor much more comfortable to play games, read or listen to the radio.
    We learned that if we stayed at least thirty degrees from the direction people were looking and didn't do anything to attract their attention, they ignored us, as far as they were concerned we weren't there. Grandmother was right. We made a pact not to fight, wrestle, or tease each other in front of adults.
    We continued our eavesdropping and pretended to ignore the adults while we read or played games. We learned to conceal our emotions. After some practice we could choose our facial expressions and body language, both added to our isolation from our peers and our families. No one was certain as to our true feelings.
    If we read books we wrote notes on a piece of paper used as a bookmark and if anyone asked what we were writing we replied, 'vocabulary words'. We had a few on the front and wrote our notes on the back or the inside of a folded sheet. If we were playing cards or a board game, we wrote down our moves on the front so we could make the same plays later, giving us an acceptable answer should anyone ask. Many adults shook their heads at our answer and then proceed to ignore us completely.
    Each Saturday we summarized our notes and wrote them in our log book. Because we learned how to watch and to listen we could do things other children couldn't. We could talk briefly with adults and they would talk to us. We could eavesdrop on conversations and no one seemed to care. We could stay in the living room and listen to an entire adult conversation even while other children were being shooed out of the room. What we heard confirmed some things we already knew, like Santa Claus was not real and babies were not brought by the stork. We had seen our cats deliver, our dogs mate, and my sister pregnant, but we were not allowed to talk about them. By listening, we slowly learned what wasn't taught in school or by our parents.
    We learned that my mother was a virgin when she married. Barb's mother and father had to get married at sixteen. Fortunately, they were in love and the marriage turned out well. Bob's mother didn't know whether she was pregnant or not, she had several miscarriages after they were married. Other conversations indicated that many women were not virgins when they married and not necessarily the same man.
    A conversation between two young women shocked us because until then sex was always associated with love and marriage and only with one partner. One complained about cramps and called her period, 'the woman's curse'. The other said, "You got it all wrong honey, I call it 'My friend'."
    "How can you say that, your cramps are worse than mine?"
    "Because when it comes I know I'm not pregnant and most of the men I don't want to marry." The other quickly switched to another topic and we didn't learn any more from them.
    The most important thing we learned was that our parents and most adults didn't know what they were talking about. They didn't even know the right words to use. If the right words are not used, a conversation could end in an emotional argument, an event we witnessed many times. We learned at a very young age not to argue with adults who did not know what they were talking about. It's difficult enough to carry on a conversation with ignorance, you can't argue with it.
    The next major episode occurred about a year later. Our school had a strict policy, if a student was bleeding for any reason while at school they had to report to the school nurse. Barb scraped her knee and the school nurse was putting iodine on it when a classmate came in sobbing. She hadn't done anything and she couldn't understand why a small amount of blood was running down the inside of her leg. She was afraid she would be punished for some unknown reason. The nurse took her behind a screen and told her, "Calm down, you won't be punished, there is nothing wrong with you, all women do it once a month. Didn't your mother tell you?"
    "No."
    "Are you all right now?"
    "Yes."
    "Let me finish with Barb and I'll be right back. She put a bandage on Barb's knee and hustled her out of the room. The girl didn't return to class. The next day Barb tried to get her to tell her what happened. She wouldn't talk about it, her mother told her not to tell anyone. Barb tried to ask her mother and grandmother, but neither would listen, they both said, "I don't want to hear any more questions like that, you're too young to know about things like that." Barb told us about it. "I don't like it, everyone is so hush hush about it and yet the school nurse said every woman does it. If every woman does it why am I to young to know?" We shrugged our shoulders.
    Later, I asked my dad, "That's women stuff, don't ask about it again." My sister must have overheard one of the conversations because she discreetly told Barb to ask one of the younger teachers. The teacher didn't say a thing, she went to a file cabinet, removed a plain envelope, and handed it to Barb. We read the four page pamphlet over and over, it only answered a few questions about menstruation. Barb's growth spur came early, but menarche didn't occur until she was nearly thirteen. She played dumb and went to the school nurse just to see what she would tell her.
    Barb didn't speak to her mother for almost a month. Bob prevented her from making a worse mistake by reminding her, "Maybe it's the way she was taught." Barb went to her mother right then and told her, "I forgive you mom, it's the way you were taught." Her mother nodded, cried, and hugged Barb, "You know more than I do, honey, I can't help you very much any more."
    When Barb returned, "Thanks Bob. You should have seen the look of relief on her face. Bob and I knew Barb was changing because she carried a compact and put a very small amount of powder on her face, her breasts were developing, and she read her mother's love story magazines instead of comic books or children's books from the library. She wanted us to experiment with her each time she read something different in one of those magazines, according to the stories, it put the heroine in a wild state of ecstasy.
    First she wanted us to hold her hand, to hug her, and to tell her she was beautiful. She was very disappointed when nothing happened and it certainly didn't do anything for us. Next, she wanted us to lie on top of her and kiss her, that made her feel funny, but she liked our weight on her. Encouraged, she wanted us to touch her breasts, an unpleasant experience until she learned how she wanted to be touched and Bob and I learned how to touch her. Until then none of us were aware how sensitive her nipples had become.
    Petting aroused strange feelings, she became excited and wanted us to expand our petting. She asked us to slide our hands over her bare legs and hips. Bob and I didn't know what we were doing and when I slid my hand up the inside of her leg, "Stop.   Stop.   Boy did that send shivers up and down my spine. I was very uncomfortable with my feelings." That curtailed our petting, but we continued to hug and kiss her and tell her she was beautiful. She seemed to enjoy that and was disappointed when we didn't and sometimes she told us so.
    She cried after reading a tear jerking story about a young woman who was forced to choose between her two best friends which one was to be her husband. "I couldn't do that. I don't want to be separated from either of you. I love you both. I couldn't choose. You won't make me choose, will you?" Tears ran down her face. Bob and I hugged her and we made our first vow never to separate.
    "Now tell us what you were talking about." She stopped crying and told us the story. "You won't make me choose will you?" She cried again. Bob and I said, "Never," and we repeated our vow again. We held her until she stopped crying, we kissed her and returned to our reading.
    The first swim of the summer was another turning point. Barb left the water before Bob and I did and when we approached the blanket Barb had her legs spread and her head bent forward as far as she could. "What on earth are you doing?"
    "I thought I could see better in the sun light."
    "What are you talking about?"
    "I'm trying to see if I look like the diagram, you guys do." She took her compact from her purse and used the mirror to give herself a better angle to see herself. "I got a pamphlet on sex yesterday. It tells everything." She looked at the pamphlet and handed it to me. I sat down and read it while they sunbathed. When I finished, I handed it to Bob, stood and air dried. "Where did you get it?"
    "Is our country the only one that doesn't teach its young people about sex?" Bob said, "You're right, if it doesn't tell everything at least it tells a whole lot more than we knew."
    "We're all normal as far as I can tell. You guys look and see if you agree." She rolled over and spread her legs and her labia. We took turns looking at her and the diagram. Without thinking I touched her clitoris with my index finger as I examined it. "Whoa," she said, "Private."
    Instinctively I withdrew my finger, What did I do?"
    "You better reread the section on simulation." I stood and reread the pamphlet.
    "Oh boy, I shouldn't've done that. Sorry."
    "Apology accepted, but since you touched me can I touch you? My mother will not let me change the babies yet. She treats me like a child and there's something I would like to know."
    "Go ahead." She sat up and slid her fingers gently around my scrotum.
    "Don't squeeze."
    "I know. The testes are larger than I thought." Then she slid her fingers around my penis. She laughed, "It's like a thick walled rubber hose. Whoops." Her hand snapped away and she rolled away from me and sat up. "Now it's my turn to say, 'I shouldn't've done than." She and Bob stared wide eyed, mouths open at my first erection. Bob broke the silence, "You look exactly like the diagram."
    "Don't be so clinical,     how do I get it to go away?"
    "The pamphlet doesn't say." I didn't know what to do and the stupid things I did, didn't work. I thought I was going to burst. "Go in the water, you know like we have heard, 'Take a cold shower.'" I ran into the water, it didn't help. I ran up and down the beach hoping the cooling effect would make it go away. I returned to the blanket just as big as before. Bob and Barb chuckled at my antics. The chuckle turned to laughter and soon I was laughing, too. As my laughing increased, it grew soft. With a feeling of relief I dried and dressed, they followed. Before we left we were laughing again as they retold how funny I looked, running up and down the beach. We hugged and kissed and walked home.
    The conversation returned to the word 'private' and we agreed when anyone of us said 'private' the others would stop what ever they were doing and turn away. We never violated that agreement and it saved each one of us some embarrassment. It helped us adjust to our sexuality. We discussed sex frankly and calmly. We had a vocabulary, we didn't need to use emotionally charged slang terms.
    Two other things helped, first Barb's body didn't change very much until she was sixteen, she remained lean, lanky, and as homely as a mud fence. She didn't stimulate Bob and I visually and secondly, Bob and I didn't start our major sexual changes until we were sixteen, by then Barb had adjusted to her sexuality and didn't need to experiment any longer, she even stopped using makeup. She helped us keep control.
    The first couple of years, Barb was very self conscious when ever she wore a tampon, she was certain everyone could see it. We assured her, "Barb, we can't see it and we are looking for it, how could anyone else." Bob and I could see her gain confidence. Later, we kidded her, "Barb, be glad you don't have our problem. Why do you think Bob and I walk down the hall carrying our books in front of us?" She thought for a couple of seconds, "Your kidding?"
    "No, we stick out like sore thumbs." Barb was amazed at how fast we would erect.
    Patty sat in front of me in algebra and gave me all kind of problems. She had hips that matched my idea of perfect. I tried not to watch her, but that was difficult because she was a pleasure to watch. One day we formed a triangle facing each other talking in the hall. I didn't have any books with me and Patty walked by. "Don't move you guys, please." They looked down at me and laughed. "It's not funny you guys." They laughed harder and didn't stop until I started to laugh, then I was OK.
    I never could understand why so many people attach evil thoughts to the act of a man watching a woman. I don't recall thinking of anything except how beautiful her curves were. My body was responding at the subconscious level to a visual stimulus, it had nothing to do with my thoughts at the time, a few seconds later it might, but not then.
    Only one other person ever indicated to me that they enjoyed looking at curves. We left solid geometry class on our way to English. "I forgot my book." Bob ran the opposite direction to his locker. We turned and watched him, he couldn't find his book. "It's in my locker." Barb walked to tell him and went down the hall to her locker. Every boy in the hall turned to watch her, I only noticed their movement out of the corner of my eyes, I was watching Barb, too. She was such a pleasure to watch, her figure was full now and her curves changed with each step. Someone approached from the geometry classroom, "The female form has so many beautiful curves, circles, ellipses, parabolas, and hyperbolas."
    "I'll sure go long with that." My gaze never left Barb, I watched her until she was directly in front of me. "I wish you wouldn't look at me that way, it gives me goose bumps all over." The same person said, "I wish I had a figure that men would admire." Only then did I realize it was Miss Smith our geometry teacher who was speaking. She put her hand to her mouth and walked quickly away. Instantly she was our friend. Miss Smith and I led the grand march at our senior prom and Bob and I took turns dancing with her and Barb. Old Mr. Brown made sure nothing happened to her because it was against school policy for a teacher to dance with a student. After college, Miss Smith told me, "I can't tell you how much a fifty year old woman enjoyed your senior prom. It's a pleasure to spend time with people who think as you do. I enjoy your company very much."
    That memory caused me to reflect on how much alike Barb, Bob, and I were, it was amazing. We had the same values, we thought alike, we felt the same way about things, we seldom disagreed, we argued heatedly, but competitively, not from anger. We never fought after we listened to grandmother. Another thing amazed me, until the Day of Ice, I don't recall either Bob or myself ever being aroused by anything we did together, except for that one time at the cove, and after that, only when we knew Barb was willing to have sex. We could kiss, hug, pet, swim nude, it didn't matter. The Day of Ice was the most important event in our sex lives.

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    In early spring of our sixteenth year, we were eager to use the new back packs Old Mr. Brown gave us, we became friends the previous fall. We went camping in the hills east of the East Branch river. The rain had removed most of the snow, some remained in the shadows of conifers and large rocks. The south banks of the rivers had a small amount of ice above the high water mark. The mud was gone from the path and the high ground was solid where we chose to go.
    We crossed a branch of the East Branch river called Red Creek on our way to an old log cabin where we spent Friday night. We planned to go to another cabin on the other side of the creek the next morning and return home on Sunday afternoon. When we crossed the creek, the water was high because of the spring run off, but not any higher than we had seen before. We had been hiking in this area since we were nine and camping since we were twelve.
    We crossed on stepping stones at a narrow place in the creek. It was about nine feet across with a rope railing upstream of the stones. The creek was not very deep, but the banks were steep. We spent a pleasant night in the cabin. After we arrived we built a fire in the fire place and started cooking dinner. While we waited I restocked the cabin with more dry fire wood, much more than we would use, but maybe the next campers would be caught in a rain storm. After dinner we went for a walk, but we were less than a quarter of a mile from the cabin when it began to mist. No point in getting wet when we didn't have to, so we returned to the cabin and made our plans for the next day. We didn't have any trouble passing the time, we talked about many things. The bunks were in bad shape and it was still cold so we slept in front of the fire place in our usual manner. It was warm enough, we didn't need to cuddle, but cold enough to put the sheets on top.
    A gentle rain woke us the next morning, not what we wanted, but no big deal either. After breakfast and clean up, we packed and left wearing our ponchos. At the creek the water was higher. We debated whether to go to another crossing or not. "Let me go across first and see how slippery the rocks are." The others agreed. "Hold my poncho while I take off my back pack." To keep it dry, I set it under the roots of a tree that leaned over the creek on the opposite side of the path from the tree that anchored the rope railing. Barb and Bob decided to do the same, no point in carrying a load while they waited.
    I held onto the rope railing and stepped gingerly from one rock to another, in case the next rock was slippery. The rocks were wet from an occasional wave that washed over them, but none were slippery. I turned around when I was near the other bank. I was careful, but walking much faster going back. Near the center the rope was frayed, I hadn't noticed on the way over or the night before. I stopped briefly to inspect it. One strand was broken and the other two didn't look very strong.
    Movement in the back ground caught my eye. I focused on it, it was a piece of ice. Then in quick succession more pieces were floating down the creek. Now, I knew why the water was higher than normal for this time of the year. I grabbed the rope with both hands and began to run toward the others. They saw the danger when I started to run and yelled for me to hurry. I never heard their yell and I couldn't move fast enough.
    Up stream an ice dam was slowly giving way, it finally broke, and a foot high wall of water was rushing down on me. It swept my feet out from under me, the rope broke behind me as the force of the moving water pulled me down stream. In panic, I held tight to the rope and I slammed against the bank. I clawed at the bottom and the bank with my feet, trying frantically to get a footing so my legs could help my arms pull my body up the rope against the current. The current force my poncho tight to my body making movement almost impossible. The bank was too steep and the current wouldn't let me touch the bottom, I was like a bobber on a fish line, pinned against the bank by the current and the rope.
    As I was swept down stream the moving rope nearly knocked Barb and Bob down, the leaning tree stopped the motion of the rope from pushing them over. They grabbed the rope and tried to pull it. They couldn't move it. The force of the current pulled the rope tight against the bank and the base of the tree. When Bob couldn't move the rope, he took off his poncho and ran about ten feet down stream staying near the edge of the bank until he was down stream of me. Barb hung her and Bob's ponchos on the roots of the tree, she didn't know what Bob was doing, but she did as he did.
    Bob climbed a small sapling, keeping his weight toward me. As the tree began to bend, Barb knew what Bob was doing and climbed the tree one or two branches behind him, keeping her weight on the same side. As the tree bent, Bob's feet were higher than his hands and his feet slipped from the limbs. He didn't try to keep his foot hold, he let his body swing and wrapped his legs around the upper part of the tree that was now at an angle below him. He slid rapidly down toward me. Barb followed his example.
    The top part of the tree hit the water down stream from my body, but one branch hit the back of my head, instinctively I grabbed it, first with one hand and then the other. When I let go of the rope, the current swept me down stream, but for a few seconds I was not fighting the current and I was able to pull myself a couple of branches up the tree before I was again fighting the current. When Bob saw that I had a firm grip on the branch, he let go and so did Barb. The combined force of the current and the stain of the tree slid my body down steam and up the bank at an angle, my waist was out of the water. Bob and Barb grabbed a branch near the bank and pulled together at a right angle to the tree, with each pull my body slid further down stream and higher up the bank. When my body was completely out of the water, they pulled straight up the bank. When they could reach my arms, they dragged me over the top of the bank and collapsed next to me. The sapling slowly continued to move upward as I let it slip from my grip, it never was straight again.
    Between the numbing effect of the icy water and the blocking effect of my panic, I didn't feel the cold, I started to shiver a little, within seconds my whole body was shaking violently. Barb put her wet folded handkerchief between my teeth. They knew no matter how tired they were, they had to get me warm. They tried to get me to stand, I couldn't, my whole body was numb and shaking at the same time. My mind was foggy, but I knew and didn't know what was happening.
    The gentle rain turned into a down pour, it felt good to me because it was warmer than the ice water of the creek. Bob and Barb dragged me to the leaning tree, put their ponchos on to conserve as much body heat as possible, and ran dragging me back to the cabin. Bob lit the wood I had placed in the fire place before we left and ran out of the cabin. Barb removed my clothes and covered me with her poncho, my was torn. Barb took her clothes off and wrung the water out of hers and mine and place the clothes on top of our shoes next to the fire. She wrung as much water as she could from her hair, then used my undershirt to remove some more water, wrung out the undershirt, wrapped her hair in the undershirt, and stood by the fire to dry. Bob dumped two back packs on the floor, took the ax from near the wood box and left.
    Barb rolled me over away from the fire, took a dry shirt from one of the back packs and dried me, took one bed roll, unrolled it in front of the fire and rolled me on to it and dried my other side. She unrolled the other bed roll, put a blanket on top of me, and then both sheets. She hung the poncho and put on dry clothes and her wet shoes. Bob returned with the other back pack and what was left of the rope railing, "Unbraid it," and he left again. Barb put the last bed roll on top of me and unbraided the rope. She took the food out of the back packs, put some potatoes next to the fire place wall to bake, ate a chocolate bar and some cheese, opened a can of beans, emptied it into a mess kit pot so I could use the can for a urinal.
    Bob returned with several long limbs with short forks on one end. He removed his wet clothes, dried, put on dry clothes, and put on his wet shoes. We put dry socks in wet shoes and walked in them until the socks were wet and changed socks until the shoes were dry. Bob cut the rope into lengths. He ate a chocolate bar and some cheese while he lashed one of the limbs vertically to the back of each chair with the fork up. He placed the chairs a sheet's length apart facing the fire place with the limbs on the outside. He placed another limb in each fork and put its fork end on the fire place mantle. He placed another limb across the two horizontal limbs next to the forks of the vertical limbs and lashed the three together. He placed another limb from the center of the fire place mantle to the center of the limb between the two chairs and lashed them together. He took a sheet off me and placed it over the limbs so it hung down behind the chairs and moved it until it touched the floor.
    To keep the sheet from falling he lashed the edge of the sheet to the horizontal limbs. Barb held the sheet in place until it was lashed. He took another sheet and draped it from the center horizontal limb over the outside horizontal limb and moved it until it touched the floor and again lashed the edges to the limbs. He took the last sheet and did the same thing in the opposite direction. He had built a large reflector oven around the fire place.
    They moved me away from the fire place so they had enough room to walk between me and the fire place and hung the rest of the rope between the center and the two outside horizontal limbs and hung the wet clothes to dry with the under wear in the center. As the clothes dried wet ones replaced them. The dry clothes were returned to the back packs and they were then used as pillows.
    Bob paused to admire his ingenuity while kneeling on the blankets. Barb moved next to him, kissed him, and hugged him. Bob checked the fire and Barb checked the food. They undressed, got under the blankets, one on each side of me, rolled me on my side, cuddled tight to me, and fell asleep. A couple of hours later they woke because my body heat was returning and they were too warm, Bob's reflector oven was working. Their feet were a little cold, but other than that they were comfortable sitting half naked in the chairs.
    They took turns laying next to me on the side away from the fire. When the blanket closest to the fire became too hot, they rolled me over to my other side and turned the blanket around. When I began to stir in mid afternoon, they took turns feeding me mashed potatoes and mashed carrots, I was too shaky to hold a spoon. They continued to feed me as much as I would eat until I could hold a spoon and keep food on it. Later I ate a chocolate bar and some cheese without help and when I could talk understandably, "Thanks for what you have done, but I'm still freezing."
    By dinner time Bob and Barb were rested and restless. Barb didn't want to leave me alone so Bob went for a walk by himself. A few minutes later he opened the door, "Hey the rain has stopped, I'm going to the creek to see if the water is down." Barb made macaroni and cheese and heated the pot of beans. Bob returned, "Good news, the water is receding. We should be able to cross easily in the morning."
    "How are you feeling Bill?"
    "I'm fine. My feet are still cold and I'm a little shaky, but I can join you for dinner. Bob and Barb took the reflector oven down. Barb put the food on the table while Bob warmed our mess kit plates over the fire. I sat up dressed, walked to the table, and sat down. The food never tasted so good. I didn't feel like talking, I took off my clothes and went back to bed. I listened to them talk. They removed our radio from a back pack and scanned the air waves. They listened to several transmissions. One stimulated a conversation between Barb and Bob. The radio became background noise, no one was paying attention to it. I fell asleep.
    At nine thirty, "I guess I didn't rest enough this afternoon, I'm tired. I've never expended so much energy in such a short time. Bob spread the sheets on top of the blankets. Barb turned off the radio. They undressed and came to bed. Barb curled up next to me. During the night I had had enough sleep, I sat cross legged in the center very close to the edge and draped the blankets over my shoulders. This left a small triangle on each side of me that let the radiant heat from the fire reached Barb.
    A while later she was too warm and woke. She sat up next to me, "Bill, I don't know what I would have done if something had happened to you. I was scared, really scared for the first time in my life."
    "Me, too."
    "Now I understand why Old Mr. Brown's hair turned white, I'll bet he was in an even scarier situation."
    "It's OK, Barb, it's OK to be scared. It was a scary situation and you and Bob came through with flying colors, I don't know how I can ever repay you."
    "Don't give me to much credit, I only followed Bob, he had the ideas as usual.
    I'm glad you are all right. I have so much to be thankful for."
    "Me too, look at all the things we did that prevented it from being worse. Plus the things that didn't happen, like the rope didn't break again and neither did the sapling."
    "Oh, Bill." I held her until she stopped crying.
    "Are you OK, now?"
    "Yes, but hold me a while longer." I continued to hold her and stroked her back.
    "Phew, you don't need to hold me any longer, I'm hot" She was warm. She lay on top of the blankets for a while before she crawled back under them. She rolled close to me and slid her fingers up and down my arm. "I'm glad you're OK, I'm glad you're here, I can't bear the thought of losing you, I love you to much."
    "I love you very much." She raised up on one elbow and stroked the back of my neck with her other hand. She sat up and pressed her body very tight to me, her nipples were like little rocks pressing into my back. In a low tone, "Bill, lay on top of me. Please." I didn't move, I didn't know what to do. I had seen Barb nude many times and we had touched each other many times, but this was only the second time Barb stimulated me and I didn't want to lay on her with an erection. She slid her hand down my back as she rolled on to her back, removing the blankets. "Please, Bill, I'm cold."
    "Private."
    "I don't care, I want to hold you on top of me." I was reluctant and very self conscious as I complied with her request. She held me and kissed me, I kissed her back and kissed her neck. She stroked the back of my neck and whispered, "I'm uncomfortable, would you slide down a bit." Without thinking about what her request meant, I raised up on my elbows and knees and slowly moved down. "How far?" She wrapped her legs around me and stopped me from moving. "That's good. Now, lay down." As I did I sank slowly into her. What a feeling. She put her arms around me and held me very tight for what seemed like an eternity. "Oh, how I love you. Bill, please never leave me."
    "I won't."
    "I want the three of us to stay together forever."
    "We've never been apart. If either of you were missing, a part of me would be missing."
    "You don't know how happy it makes me to hear you say that." She relaxed her grip and moved beneath me. My body instinctively knew what to do and did it before my mind finished debating what I should do. With each thrust, a quiet 'uh' escaped her. I came very quickly, but didn't stop. Her sound became louder as I increased my tempo. Bob stirred, but didn't wake up.
    A short time after I came again, she uttered, "Oh, oh, oh, ooooh." Each one louder that the proceeding 'oh'. She tightened her arms and legs around me until I could barely breath and emitted a cat like growl, followed very quickly by, "Oh, oh, oh, ooooh," even louder than before.
    Bob woke up, "What are you two doing that you are making so much noise?" Barb relaxed her grip, "Don't stop." I obeyed. Bob rolled over, "Oh, my God." Barb slid her hand under his neck and pulled his head on to her shoulder. "I want you too, Bob, I love you very much, I want you. I want us to stay together forever." She kissed him repeatedly. He kissed her back. "I love you, Barb and I can't imagine us ever being apart." I put one arm around Bob and he put one arm around me. I rolled off after I came again, but kept my head on her shoulder. "Bob, lay on top of me." He needed no further encouragement. She kissed him and then me and continued to alternate kisses. Bob and I took turns until we were empty. We spent the rest of the night laughing and crying, hugging and kissing, and repeating vows of never separating. We fell asleep in each others arms before dawn and slept until noon. We left for home a very happy threesome.
    We never told anyone what happened, but everyone knew something did because we were not ourselves for more than two weeks. We were happy, but something was bothering us. We didn't realize what it was until Saturday morning. Barb came skipping and jumping to the loft. Bob and I watched her from the window. We waited impatiently until she was calm enough to talk. "My friend arrived. My friend arrived.
    The news released a mental block, we knew what was bothering us, now we could discuss both traumatic events. Until now, there was an unspoken agreement not to discuss either. We had not had sex or touched each other since we returned. We didn't have sex again until six months later, but we did hug and kiss again. Those two events, known as the Day of Ice in our log book, was the beginning of our sex life. Everything changed and yet nothing changed.
    Our bonds grew stronger each day. Repeating our vows never to separate became a Saturday ritual. Over the years we agreed on how we were going to live together after college. Pregnancy was discussed frequently, none of us wanted an unwanted pregnancy, it would not ruin our plans, but it sure would delay them. Barb and Bob decided that if she became pregnant before we graduated from college, Bob would go to work, I would finish college, then he would, followed by Barb. If we managed to finish college before Barb became pregnant, Bob would father the first child.
    We knew more than most adults, but we still needed to learn more. We did and we had sex two to three times a week on the 'safe days'. Barb was as regular as a clock unlike many young women. Still, we were on an emotional roller coaster each month, would she be pregnant this time or not.
    We were lucky and we knew it. We were also very disciplined. We never violated our own rules, no matter how much we wanted to. We were well aware of what had happened to many other couples.
 

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    "She must've felt like a pin cushion with two teen age boys poking at her."
    "I never thought she felt that way. When she had had enough or didn't want any to begin with, she would say, 'private' and we didn't bother her."
    "I didn't remember parts of the story."
    "I didn't tell you some parts because I was still inhibited."
    "Inhibited! I never thought of you as being inhibited."
    "No doubt I was very liberal compared to my parents and the good citizens of Middleville, but some attitudes we learn are very difficult to over come. Besides when you were old enough to remember and understand, I was still learning, I still am, but I don't learn at the same pace as I did then."
    "It's difficult for children, first they think their parents know everything, then they don't know anything, and then they know more than they thought. You will never stop learning. It's even difficult for me to remember that, you continually surprise me. Almost every letter or phone call contains something new."
    "Even so, I didn't tell you all I knew when I first taught you and I've learn more since. That was a long time ago and we talked about men not sex per se."
    "I still learned more from you than any one else, but let me turn to my second question. Are you sure Bob was my father and not you?"
    "Positive."
    "How can you be so sure."
    "We followed our plan, the one we devised when we were in high school. We never had any reason to change it. You know how the bedrooms are adjoining with doors between the rooms with locks on Barb's side. If she didn't want sex she locked both doors, if she wanted sex she left the door open to one of our rooms, and if she didn't have strong feelings one way or the other she unlocked a door but didn't open it."
    "And you checked the door every night."
    "Not every night, Barb kept a calendar on her desk, she updated it every day. An 'S' in the corner meant it was a safe day. There was no way that either one of us would not enter her room unless the door was locked or we were sick. Sex with her was something else. What some men never learn is that sex with the woman you love and who loves you is almost always something else. A substitute is never as satisfying."
    "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence."
    "Barb said, 'The trouble with men is that they have two heads.'"
    "Did she ever leave both doors unlocked?"
    "No. After the Day of Ice we never had communal sex again. Our emotions were extremely high on that day and the day after our natural and learn inhibitions returned. Well, what inhibitions we did have."
    "On with the question."
    "We agreed that Bob would father the first child and as luck would have it, I was away on business for three months when she decided to have a baby. She didn't have sex with me until two months after I returned. She waited that long to be sure she was pregnant."
    "How did you know she was pregnant?"
    "I was getting the garden ready for planting on a Saturday morning when Bob came to the garden, 'Barb wants to talk with you. I'll finish what you have started.' She met me at the door, kissed me and led me to her calendar. She made sure I understood what her notations meant. She slid her arms around my neck and kissed me passionately. 'Horny, huh?'
    'Gotta stay. Gotta stay. Can't go up the chimney this way.' She laughed, 'Come with me Santa.' After we were in bed she told me about the wedding. It would be small, only our families and a few friends at the court house. We didn't come down for lunch until late afternoon. We returned to our routine until about a month before you were born. You were born one week after her calculated due date. An eight pound healthy baby."
    "You were to father the next child?"
    "Yes."
    "Even though she was married to Bob?"
    "Before the next birth, she and Bob would get a divorce and I would marry her."
    "On what grounds?"
    "Infidelity, of course, the only accepted reason then and one no one would dispute."
    "And the children would be legitimate."
    "Yes."
    "And you were going to alternate for each child?"
    "Yes."
    "The good citizens of Middleville would've been up in arms."
    "They already were. That's why we built our home out here. After Old Mr. Brown calmed the first citizens meeting, we decided to build as close to our families as possible and still be out of sight. We avoided going town together, but we still went swimming, biking, hiking, and camping together."
    "Out of sight, out of mind. Was that your strategy?"
    "Yes. Then, a hill and the first bend in the river hid our home from view. The only people to see us were the boys going to and from Bare Butt Beach. Now, subdivisions are on both sides of the river."
    "It's a beautiful place for a home, I've always enjoyed the view. The gentle bend in the river allows a view up and down the river from anywhere outside the house and from the living room and the bedrooms as well."
    "Yes, we spent many pleasant days here. So have you and I and we swam, biked, hiked, and camped together in all the same places. We did many of the same things. You didn't have much interest in the radio."
    "No, records were in vogue then and we listened to my records while we read or played cards or played board games. Its late, let's go to bed."
    We walked upstairs together and as I went to my room, Kate said, "Before you go to bed, would you come to my room and talk a while longer?"
    "After I put on my robe."
    "See you in a few minutes." Later, I walked into her room, the door was open. She was in bed, at an odd angle. Her feet were near this edge of the bed and her head on two pillows on the opposite side. She had moved the chair to the end of the bed near her feet. When I sat in the chair I was looking the full length of her body, straight at her face.
    "Do you remember the night Dave Ferguson asked me to the prom?"
    "Yes."
    "Do you know why I asked you to answer the phone, when I could've done it more easily than you?"
    Before I could answer her question that night flashed through my mind followed by some additional memories. Kate came home from school very dejected. The prom was only two weeks away and not one boy had asked her. I didn't see her until dinner time, she went to her room and did her homework. She was still pouting as she helped get dinner, Mildred was visiting relatives for the weekend. I said, "You had better put on an apron."
    "Why? I'm wearing old clothes."
    "So the birds won't white wash your shirt when they perch on your lower lip." She stopped, came to me and put her head against my chest. We held each other.
    "I don't know why I want to go so bad, I just do."
    "You have had only two dates since you started high school, you can't expect to be asked to the prom."
    "I know it's an unrealistic wish, but I still want to go."
    "Don't give up yet. It takes young men a long time to get the courage to ask a young woman as beautiful as you."
    "Uncle Bill, you're such an optimist and don't say things like that."
    "Like what?"
    "As beautiful as me."
    "Well, it's true, you look like your mother and even you have to admit she was beautiful."
    "I wish I could've known her."
    "That's why I kept all the pictures, wrote the diary to supplement the log, and told you stories about your parents, so you would know them as best you could."
    "Thanks Uncle Bill. Tell me another story after dinner," she released and returned to what she was doing. She told me about her day and asked about mine while we fixed dinner. I cleared the table while she prepared the dish water and I put away the food while she washed the dishes. As she put the dish pan away she intentionally bumped me with her hips as I walked past her. I poked her in the ribs. She grabbed a dish towel and snapped it at me. I ran around the table, she chased me. We went around the table a couple of times. She snapped the towel when I was within range, but I managed to evade it. I ran into the living room and turned around as she snapped the towel. I grabbed the end, gave a yank, and caught her as she spun around. She tried to get away, but I grabbed the other end of the towel forming a loop around her and pulled her back. She came back faster than I pulled and her butt hit my hips knocking me off balance. As I fell back onto the couch, she tried to get away, but I held tight to the towel and she fell with me and on to my lap. She squirmed to get away, I wrapped my arms around her, "If I was a vampire, you would be irresistible," and playfully bit her neck. "But you're not a vampire so you will have to settle for a kiss." She turned, slid her arms around my neck, and kissed me.
    She didn't kiss me like a niece kisses an uncle, "I love you so much, Uncle Bill," and she kissed me again. "I love you, Kate," and I kissed her like a man kisses a woman. We didn't speak, we held one another, she slid her hand up the back of my neck and through my hair, we kissed again. We held our faces very close and looked into each others eyes. Her heart was pounding, her breathing was heavy and so was mine. We kissed again and the phone rang.
    She stood and ran upstairs, "Would you get it, Uncle Bill?" It was the high school heart throb, the captain of the football team, basketball star, and baseball hero. I don't blame the girls, he was good looking and a good student. I had never heard anything bad about him and from what I knew of him, he would be a very good husband. He asked for Kate, "Just a minute, I'll get her." When I reached the stairs, Kate ran down and into my arms, "It's your prom date calling, I approve, you can go with him if you want. Calm down before you talk to him."
    She leaned back, our eyes met, "Thank you, Uncle Bill." She walked slowly to the phone. I slumped onto the couch while they talked, I extended both arms along the back of the couch and spread my legs. I moved my hips forward so my body made as little contact with the couch as possible.
    I didn't listen to their conversation, I was too busy with my own thoughts. The first of which was, 'Saved by the bell'. I don't know what I would've done. I convinced myself never to make any physical contact with Kate again except for a good night kiss and I didn't. Kate never indicated that she noticed the change. Kate managed to contain her excitement while she was talking to Dave, but as soon as she hung up, she went bouncing around the house. They dated all that summer until they went to college and they never saw one another again.
    "Yes, I remember that night very well. You went upstairs to change your underwear and to splash cold water on your face, neck, and wrists. You didn't notice me as I sat on the couch, you were too excited about a possible prom date. I was trying to lose as much body heat as I could."
    "Then you felt the same way I did."
    "Yes, Kate. I have always loved you, but that night I knew I loved you as a woman, not as a niece."
    Finally, I realized what Kate was doing, she was executing a well devised plan and it was working. She hadn't called me 'Uncle' once since she arrived. Slowly, she increased my empathy by encouraging me to recall nostalgic memories making it more difficult to say 'No' and asked me to tell her erotic memories so I would be easily aroused. I was aroused just thinking about her plan. I didn't know exactly what she was going to do next, but I had a general idea.
    I loosened the belt so the lose robe would conceal my erection as I stood. She was saying, "I told you earlier I wanted a baby, I want to have our baby and I want you tonight." She uncovered her nude body with one quick motion, spread her legs, and beckoned with her hand for me to come to her.
    While she was removing the blankets, I was removing my robe and pj's and I was on her almost before her hand stopped moving. An hour later she tried to prevent me from rolling off, "I'm sorry but I can't keep it up, I'm exhausted."
    "No need to be sorry, honey, I wanted more, but you know that performance is not my most important priority. I will be satisfied, I know I will.
    By the way, what name do you want to give our first child?"
    "I'm to tired to think that far ahead."
    "I know you will want to invite Old Mr. Brown to our wedding, who else?"
    "Can we talk about it tomorrow? We can check out possible arrangements on Monday. Wait a minute, our first child! How many do you want?"
    "I think six is a nice number, don't you?" She rolled on to her side and slid her arm over me, mine went around her waist, and we fell asleep snuggled tight to each other. We were so satisfied we slept till one. That union ended twelve years of denial, I couldn't love her, she was too young, she was a substitute Barb. It was so comfortable, it felt so natural and normal, I was on top of the world and she was holding the world. That feeling lasted for six weeks, it didn't disappear, it transformed, a feeling hard to describe. The best way I can is, my life before seemed to be gone, I had always been married to Kate and I didn't want anything else. There was a change in Kate, too, after six weeks.
    It probably began sooner, but at six weeks I had no doubt because I saw her checking her calendar. About two weeks before, I thought she seemed very satisfied and each day I would swear she kept doing more things for me, she couldn't do enough for me. She was a beautiful woman and she became even more beautiful. She was strikingly radiant. When I saw her checking her calendar I knew what it was, she was radiating her satisfaction with her first pregnancy, most women do, her entire being was satisfied.
    She turned around as I came up behind her. She put her forearms against my chest with her hands near my chin, "Do you want to name him after Old Mr. Brown, he was the most influential person in you life wasn't he?" I held her, "Want to think about it, huh?" Kate delivered three healthy children about two years apart before menopause. She nursed each one until she went dry. No one would ever guess the names of the children.
    Two golden retrievers later, Kate was in a reflective mood, we buried Goldie that morning and had said good bye to the last child to get married and leave home the month before. We sat on the top of the hill next to the garden after lunch, enjoying a pleasant breeze and the view.
    "Hmmm."
    "What's that supposed to mean?"
    "Satisfaction is a funny thing."
    "Don't you mean odd."
    "Yes. Do you remember when Girl died, the whole family couldn't eat dinner, the boys were trying to be brave and not cry and I gave you that 'why don't you do something' look."
    "Yes, I remember, Girl lived a long time, she was an old dog, fifteen if I remember correctly."
    "Yes, because the oldest was fourteen. You said, 'It's OK for big boys to cry, just be brave like Old Mr. Brown and let it come out as peacefully as possible.' They had heard the stories about him many times and after you said that everyone of us, just bawled, an hour later we could eat a little. For some reason that night I felt satisfied. I thought it strange that satisfaction would come out of grief, until I remembered an entry in the diary. When I first read it I thought it was amusing, but after the children were born, I understood."
    "Which entry?"
    "The one where my mother started the discussion with, 'Why do men enjoy sex more than women?' and you said, 'Come now Barb.'
    'I know I sound like the women we eavesdropped on in the park. I know better, but I can't help it. I know women can't imagine what a man feels any more than vice versa, but men don't understand what a woman goes through during a pregnancy, men seem to get all the pleasure and none of the pain.'
    'But women get much more satisfaction.'
    'What are you talking about, do you know what I went through?'
    'No, like you said a man can't imagine what a woman feels, but I didn't say fun and games or pleasant and pretty, I said satisfaction. Women have several distinct advantages over a man. Only a woman can know the satisfaction of being pregnant, delivering life, and nursing a child and not only that, a woman knows the child is hers, a man can never be absolutely sure.'
    Huh.     Maybe that's why men are so possessive of their women, because they don't know for sure."
    "What are you talking about?"
    "Nothing, I went off on a tangent."
    "I remember that discussion, I said, 'Look at you. Do you have any idea how radiant you were during your pregnancy and after? You were as smug as a cat eating canary', she blushed and was thoughtful before she spoke, 'I have to admit, there is a feeling associated with everything you've said that can only be experienced by a woman. Maybe that's why, instinctively, I've always been satisfied with being a woman and now I know it consciously.' She grinned and glowed. I don't remember her looking as beautiful as she did then."
    "It's a shame she didn't live long enough to experience the satisfaction we have had. Child rearing is tiresome, tedious, and painful, but I don't know of anything more satisfying than watching and participating with your children as they grow and learn. I feel sorry for parents who can't or don't help in raising their children."
    "I agree, grand mother was right, it's the greatest satisfaction of them all. It also creates the greatest enigma for me, why aren't we better parents?"
    "Maybe it's because the corollary is true, the greater the potential for satisfaction the greater the potential for disappointment. Maybe we play all those silly games to salve our egos because we are afraid we might fail and the risk is too great."
    "Maybe."
    "Well, I know I was, the first eight years after college. When I finally realized what I was doing, I decided to find a husband, I wanted a child. I'm very glad I did. Also, I think Old Mr. Brown enjoyed our family more than his own."
    "He did. All of his children moved away, he didn't see his grandchildren very often, he could spoil ours."

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